


you've ruined the color blue for me

by Ive_never_read_fluff



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Choose Your Own Ending, Depressed Morality | Patton Sanders, Gen, Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Morality | Patton Sanders Angst, Morality | Patton Sanders Needs a Hug, Open to Interpretation, Sad Ending, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-24
Updated: 2020-11-24
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:02:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27696662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ive_never_read_fluff/pseuds/Ive_never_read_fluff
Summary: Patton tries to kill himself.Virgil walks in, but.. maybe he's too late.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil & Creativity | Roman & Logic | Logan & Morality | Patton, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders & Morality | Patton Sanders, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders
Comments: 4
Kudos: 68





	you've ruined the color blue for me

**Author's Note:**

> TW: SOMEWHAT GRAPHIC DESCRIPTION OF SELF HARM 
> 
> TAGGED AS SAD AND HAPPY ENDING BECAUSE YOU GET TO CHOOSE. I LEFT THE HAPPY ENDING IN THERE, IF YOU WANT THE SAD ENDING JUST DON'T READ AFTER '[Happy Ending]:' 
> 
> Lmk if I need to trigger something! <3!!

They all hated him. 

He made his fam-ILY hate him. 

And for what? 

For accepting Janus.. maybe, or maybe for the way he silenced Logan, or for how he treated Roman, or for how he kept babying Virgil, or how his can't do anything right and can't choose any complex moral decisions despite it being his literal purpose.. maybe it's all of that. 

Maybe it's more. 

It doesn't matter. Patton couldn't change what happened if he wanted to. It won't matter, because Patton won't be around to make mistakes or to mess up anymore or annoy anyone or baby anyone or silence anyone or fuck up with anyone, not for much fucking longer. 

Not anymore, not ever again. 

He won't have a chance to do anything, anymore. 

He won't be able to spend afternoons baking cookies and goods for his famILY. He won't be able to hold movie nights or be the center of cuddle piles or even cuddle anyone or anything. 

He won't be able to have Disney marathons with Roman. He won't be able to look at the stars or constellations with Logan. He won't be able to cuddle with Virgil - ~~ _that's why Virgil fucking hates him_~~ \- or having sleepovers with him after a bad day. 

He won't be able to-- to do anything, ANYTHING. HE'LL DIE AND THERE'LL BE NOTHING LEFT, NOTHING LEFT OF HIM, OF ANYTHING, ANYTHING OF HIM, ABOUT HIM, NOTHING, NOTHING AT ALL- 

With each thought, breathing got progressively harder and his tears got heavier and his sobbing got louder and the blade went deeper and the blood- the blood was so much it wouldn't stop that was fucking fine Patton would fucking die he would fucking die--

"H-hey, Patton?" 

It was Virgil.. Virgil hated him. What he was doing, killing himself, it would help Virgil! Make him feel better! Like living-Patton never could.. it's best for Virgil. For all of them.

"Patton, open the door." 

Does Virgil want to see him.. see him bleeding out? Or.. die? To see him suffer? In pain? A sob ripped it's way through his throat. Does Virgil hate him that much? 

"If you don't open this door r-right now.."

Does Virgil really want to see him suffer that badly? It's actually pretty fucking reasonable ( _even though he wouldn't know anything about being reasonable_ ), considering how he treated his dark strange- _Virgil_. How he treated Virgil. 

Oh fuck, look at him; after all this time, after all the previous thinking and hating himself and sobbing because of it, he's still babying Virgil. Virgil isn't a fucking child, he doesn't need someone to take care of him every step of the way. He's his own motherfucking person. He's a fucking adult. He doesn't need Patton treating him likes child. He doesn't need Patton babying him. He doesn't fucking need nor want Patton at fucking all. 

Patton honestly cannot blame him. 

Patton doesn't even want Patton. 

That's what he'll fix. Right now. With the extra razor blade he stole from an unopened package because if he took one he was currently using it would be weird, and it'd stand as testament to the idea that Patton is just a stupid, bumbling idiot, because what fucking _moron_ loses his own motherfucking razor blade? 

"Patton, please."

Virgil knocked on the bathroom door. Bathroom, fuck. This was the public fucking bathroom. Patton was wasting the others time by trying to stop wasting all their time, by trying to stop getting in their way, by trying to let them do their own thing without being constantly bothered by some fucking fool who can't take a hint. 

Patton should respond. He should. But his voice is probably all scratchy and disgusting, and Virgil could probably hear his hiccups and heavy breathing. 

Wait- if Virgil _couldn't_ hear the revolting sounds Patton made that came with crying, then _why_ did Virgil even knock on the door? 

Why is Virgil here anyway? 

Fuck it. 

He put the blade to his wrist, ready to dig it in.

"What?" 

Patton's voice was surprisingly steady. He fastly dragged the blade across his wrist, and it didn't fill in with red until a few seconds later. It was deeper. Good.

"Oh my god, Pat," The door rattled aggressively. What does Virgil want from him? "O-open the door." 

Why was he _so_ fucking invested in getting him to open the door? 

"What do-" He hiccuped, "you want?" 

There was silence, before Patton heard footsteps rushing away. Virgil probably got fucking fed up with him again. So, so rightfully so. Virgil must be so damn annoyed with him. That's.. okay. It's okay, Patton will be gone soon. Virgil won't have to be annoyed with him soon. 

Patton sliced his wrist open again. 

And again. 

Again. 

More.

Another time. 

Deeper. 

He saw the yellow bubbles. 

Fat. 

He'd hit fat. 

Patton had hit fat. 

He froze, he'd never done that before. He's close. If he keeps doing this, he'll die. He will die. 

And that's.. okay. That's what he wants. 

Suddenly, the door swung open. 

What? 

Patton snapped his head up, looking behind himself in the mirror. It was Virgil. He must've picked the lock. And Patton didn't hear it, because he was too caught up in the feelings of hitting fat. Patton just stared at Virgil as his eyes immediately shifted to Patton's arm. 

Virgil gasped, he probably wasn't expecting to see his caring friend, the one who was hardly ever sad, who would go to the ends of the world to cheer someone up, who was nothing but kind to him the majority of the time, slashing his wrist apart. 

"Patton-?" Virgil choked out, trying to get his legs to work. 

Patton just stared at him, the little bit of fear in his eyes nearly fully covered by the overwhelming blankness. Patton was startled by Virgil bursting in, but as he continued to stare at the person who hated him the most, he really couldn't find it in himself to care. 

His vision was going blurry, and it had large blobs of spots in it. Patton was closer. "Go- go out-" Patton tried to say, but his voice was so fucking shaky and unstable, his words were barely even fucking legible. 

Virgil could see Patton swaying slightly, and he was pretty sure he didn't know he was doing it. Fuck, that's bad. Virgil had to remind himself to breathe - wouldn't do anyone any good for him to have a panic attack right now. 

Almost before Virgil could react, Patton started leaning forward, looking dangerously close to falling over.

"Fuc-" was all Virgil could get out before Patton tilted too far -- but Virgil rushed over just in time to save him from hitting his head in the counter or just completely collapsing. A panicked noise escaped him before he had the thought to stop it. Fuck, what was he supposed to do with an unconscious Patton?! 

Was he even unconscious -- was he _dead_?! No, no, no, he can't be-- Patton _can't_ \-- he's such an amazing person, no-- he's _gone_ \-- no, no, no-- he's bleeding out-- do something-- please do _something_ \-- Logan, call for Logan--

" **LOGAN**!" Virgil screamed, his voice distorted and thick with pure panic. 

Then Patton's world went blank.

* * *

[°~ HAPPY ENDING ~°]: 

Patton woke up to quiet murmurs, the voices clearly distressed about something. They seemed to get clearer with every passing second. As he stayed still and listened ( _he didn't what to interrupt whatever conversation they're having_ ), he realized those were the voices of his ~~_fam-ILY_~~.. no, _family_.. 

They were all there, Logan, Roman, Virgil and Janus. Wait-- Janus? Since _when_ did the others tolerate him? Wasn't Patton the only one-- oh. 

_Oh_.

Suddenly, the memories of before he blanked came flooding back to him. Oh, oh heck. He remembers feeling.. not very happy-pappy and taking that extra razor.. and Virgil walking in and finding him, and then.. he blacked out.

Oh, oh no..

Does everyone else know now? They're all here right now, so obviously they do, but-- did Virgil.. he must've called for help after Patton went unconscious. Patton can't help the ping of sharp guilt and regret at imagining how the poor anxious side would've felt.

Oh.. excuse him, but he supposes he doesn't need that now, seeing as he's already cursed enough for several lifetimes over, but: fuck. He's such an awful side, how could he just let Virgil worry like that? Despite if Virge cared or not, it has to be nerve-racking to have an unconscious body with blood seeping out of it and not knowing what to do about it.

Patton must've made a sound, because all of a sudden the room went dead ( _hah.. like Patton had just tried to do_ ) silent.

Then, there was too much noise, overlapping voices with varying level of emotions, loud and concerned, angry, frantic and upset, relief. 

Patton audibly whimpered and went to cover his ears, only to be met with a sharp, obnoxious pain erupting from his entire arm. Patton cried out in surprise and pain. He felt someone slowly take his arms and gently hold them, "Try not to use your arms an excessive amount for now, okay?" 

Logan. Logan probably helped clean him up, because while he didn't open his eyes, he couldn't feel the ~~familiar~~ disgusting feel of dried blood on his arms anymore. 

"P-pat, can you open your eyes?" Virgil sounded so.. so worried and Patton might be taking over Janus's role if he said that didn't break his heart a little. 

Despite this, Patton slightly shook his head 'no'. 

"It's alright. It might be a bit overwhelming for you right now," Logan chimed in. 

After that, everyone took their turns saying something to Patton, and he'd answer in the best way he could manage, which was mostly just a word or two. 

He knew they'd all have to have a talk later.

He knew he'd have some serious explaining to do.

He knew it wouldn't be easy.

He knew he'd probably feel terrible.

He knew it'd end in tears from everyone.

But.. he also knew that he could get through it.

He knew that they'd help him through it.

And just maybe, he knew he'd be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> i went through so many emotions while writing this, and the fact that i had half of this done M O N T H S ago but still wanted a happy ending is just-- whOOPs 😃 
> 
> also yes i did originally plan to kill off the most loving side in front of the most anxious side, and i'd do it again bop bop 💅
> 
> (if this doesn't get noticed as much as it should i will riot i will never ever write ever again i- uuuuuuuaaaawa /j)


End file.
